It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
