It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
