I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
