I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
