You're completely useless in the revolution.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
