you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
