I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
