Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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