I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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