There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I touched a dick in church today
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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