There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
