I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
