I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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