he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So vagazzling was a success
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
