I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
