I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
