I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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