I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Randomize
