i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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