the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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