As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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