Define "chronic" masturbator.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
