Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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