So drunk, too bad you don't want this
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
