my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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