And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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