Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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