Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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