Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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