I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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