Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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