I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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