i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
