My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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