I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
