i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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