Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
