i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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