well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
