I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
