So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
