I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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