Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
