I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
