Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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