So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
