You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
