I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
