i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
