My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
